Nothing to Live For
by VHS Chick
Summary: Sam thinks about what he said to Dean that night at the asylum.He knows he hurt him.He also knows that hes hurt Dean in the past.Sam turns to alcohol...but what happens when that isn't enough? R
1. Sam's Problem

Summary-Sam thinks about what he said to Dean that night at the asylum. He thinks about other things he's said or done to hurt him in the past. He thinks all he can do is hurt people that he cares about. He turns to alcohol. But what will he turn to when thats not enough? please R&R!

CHAPTER 1

Sam looked over at his alarm clock. _Damn it, only 2:15. _He thought. He couldn't sleep, hadn't been able to for three nights. He was still thinking about the hurtful things he said to Dean that night at the Roosevelt Asylum. Dean hadn't been the same around Sammy since that night. He knew he had hurt him. Cut him deeper than anyone ever had…and probably ever would. Thinking about it made Sam cry. He cried softly, so as not to wake Dean. Finally Sammy had cried himself to sleep. But he didn't sleep peacefully. All that night he had nightmares about all the things he had said and done to his brother. Ever so often he would wake up and then drift back to sleep. Sam just didn't understand why his life had to be like this. He wanted a normal life…a life he would never have.

The next morning Sam woke up grabbed some clean clothes and went to go take a shower. When he got out, he went to the kitchen to see what Dean was up to. He walked into the kitchen and took his seat next to Dean. "Morning Sammy." Dean said quietly. "Mornin Dean." Sam replied. Dean looked different this morning. He had been crying. Dean was crying because of what Sam had said to him that night at the asylum. Suddenly Sam got sick to his stomach. He acted like he couldn't tell. But it hurt him so bad to see his brother like this. Especially knowing he was the one who caused him to. Sam wanted to break down so bad, but didn't because he thought it might make matters worse. He held in his tears.

"Dean I'm going out for a while, do you need anything?" Sam asked. "No Sammy I'm fine." Dean said. Sam walked out the door. He got in the car and drove to the nearest bar. He needed a drink to get his mind off Dean. He ordered a beer. One beer became two and two became three. Pretty soon he was so drunk he could hardly stand. Sam waited to sober up a little before he drove home. When he walked in the door Dean was sitting at the same place he was when Sam had left. "Sammy, where the hell have you been?" Dean asked sternly. "I…Went to…to get a drink." Sam managed to get out. "You were drunk and you drove home?" Dean yelled. "I sobered up some before I got in the car." Sam said. "Oh really. Just how many beers did you have?" Dean demanded. "Oh, around five." Sam said after a minute. "Five beers? Oh this is great." Dean walked off into his room. Sammy went the other direction into his room. He suddenly had the urge to throw up.

That night Sam didn't sleep at all. He knew he'd disappointed Dean yet again.

Sam woke up. He walked into the living room. "Hey." Sam said as he walked past Dean and sat down on the couch. Dean got up and walked away. "What?" Sammy asked. "Sam don't talk to me. I can't even stand to look at you after last night. Just leave me alone. I mean it." Sam had never heard that come out of his mouth. _Oh my God. I did it again._ He got up and made his way over to where Dean was standing. "Dean," Sam said with sadness in his voice, "I uh…I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." Dean turned around and looked his brother straight in the eyes. "I know you didn't Sammy, you never do, but you always manage to." Dean said. Sam sat down on the couch and began to cry. He didn't know how to go about apologizing to his brother. A few minutes later Dean came back through. Sam sat up, tears still streaming down his face. "Do you think Mom would appreciate what you're doing?" Dean asked. Sam thought for a moment and then replied. "No." Sam said feeling complete sadness taking him over. "What about Dad? What do you think he'd say about all this?" Dean said a little more angrily. "Dad doesn't care about me, Dean. He'd just say that I'm a useless piece of shit like he always has." Said Sam bitterly.

"Sam, you know Dad cared about you. Don't you start this bull shit with me." Dean said. "Its not bull shit, Dean. Name one time Dad showed me he cared." Cried Sam. Dean said nothing. "That's right Dean, you can't." Screamed Sam. Dean walked away. Sam went in his room, sat on his bed, and thought. Dean was asleep. Sam grabbed the car keys and went out the door. He went to the closest store and bought alcohol. When he got back in the car, he opened the bottle and took a long sip. The alcohol burned his throat. Sam let out a slight grunt after drinking it. He drove home and when he was safely inside he finished off the rest of the bottle. He placed the bottle on his nightstand, changed his clothes, and went to sleep. As soon as his head hit the pillow he felt something slap him across the face. He looked up and saw Dean standing there, breathing heavily. "What the hell was that for?" Sam said. "You know damn well what it was for." Dean yelled. Sam, still on his bed, was scared, afraid to move. "Now, where did you get this?" Dean asked. "I went to the store last night." Sam said shaking. Dean grabbed the bottle of the nightstand, and threw it in the garbage. "Sam, what has gotten into you? You never used to drink like this." Dean asked. "Dean, to be honest with you, I really don't know." Sam said. Dean looked at his little brother in disbelief. He just couldn't believe Sammy was doing this. He didn't want to believe it. "Sammy, get some sleep, we'll talk about this more tomorrow." Dean wanted to think the whole thing had been a dream. But he realized it wasn't, it was real. He had to help Sammy…somehow.


	2. Worries

I don't own any part of Supernatural…so don't sue me or nothin. Just give me Jared Padalecki for Christmas please!

CHAPTER 2

The next morning, Dean was still upset with Sam. But he was afraid to let his brother know that. He might go out and drink again. He wanted to help him, but he just didn't know how to go about doing it. He knew Sam was scared. Dean wished that he could just tell Sammy that everything was going to be all right. But he knew things wouldn't be all right for a long time. He knew he had to talk to Sam, he just didn't know how to begin.

He heard the sound of running water. It was Sam. Sam made his way into the living room. "Sam, sit down…we have to talk." Sam knew it was coming. "Sam, … I know you know what caused you to do…what you did last night, and you are going to tell me." Dean said. Sam just sat there. He didn't want to say it. But he had to. "Dean, I can't forget about that night at the asylum. I damn near killed you." Sam said with tears in his eyes. "Sam, you gotta forget about that and focus on what's at hand." They both just sat there until Dean broke the silence. "Sam, I didn't wanna tell you this, and right now I don't even want to. But you hurt me that night. If that pistol that I gave you would have been loaded…my ass wouldn't be here"

"Dean, I know. But…" Sam couldn't find the words to say to his brother. Dean was nearly in tears. "Sam, I still don't know if I can forgive you for what you said and did. If I do it will take a while. You hated me so much that night that you would have killed me that first shot if that gun hadn't been loaded with rocksalt." Sam couldn't take it anymore. He fell to his knees, put his head in his hands and started crying uncontrollably. Dean walked away, went to his room, and broke down.

Three hours later:

"Sammy, you wanna go get something to eat for supper? Dean said as he walked into Sam's room. To Dean's surprise, Sam was up and ready to go. "Yeah, sure do, I'm starving." Sam said as he made his way out to the car. They went to their favorite Chinese restaurant sat at a table and enjoyed their food. To make it a little more fun, Dean "accidentally" threw his chopstick at Sam. "Hey, don't make me go kung fu on you." Sam said. "You don't know kung fu." Dean retorted. "Well, maybe not but I know crazy." Sam said. They began to laugh. After their meal they headed out to the car. They walked in the house and got ready for bed. "Goodnight Dean." Sam said as he was closing his door. "Night Sam." Dean replied.

Sam went to sleep but awoke in the middle of the night. He found himself craving alcohol. He remembered he had an extra bottle under his bed. He reached under his bed. To his dismay it wasn't there. _Dean. _He thought. He laid down and went back to sleep. Dean went to check up on Sam. He was asleep. Dean breathed a sigh of relief. _Thank God._ Dean thought. Dean went back to bed and for the first time in about a week, he slept very peacefully.

The next day, Dean awoke to hear the Chevy rev up. He sat up and listened. When he didn't hear it again he went to see if Sam was asleep. _Shit_. Thought Dean a he walked in Sam's room to find he wasn't there. _Where the hell is that kid? _He wondered to himself. He looked outside and Sam was speeding down the road. Dean had a pretty good idea where he was going. He went to grab the keys to his truck but when he reached for them, they weren't there. Sam had taken them so Dean couldn't go after him.

A few hours passed and Dean was getting worried. Suddenly the phone rang. "Hello?" said Dean. "Yes, are you Dean Winchester?" the woman on the other line asked. "Yes, I'm Dean." He said. "Does a Sam Winchester live in your house?" "Yes, why?" Dean said starting to panic. "Well, he's at the First Memorial Hospital." Said the woman. "What's wrong with my baby brother?" Dean demanded. "He's got some injuries to the head and several broken bones." Dean hung up the phone and ran outside and called a cab.

When he arrived he rushed in the waiting room and asked the receptionist where Sam Winchester was. "Room 214." She said. He ran down the hall until he found room 214. He walked in the door. Poor Sam looked so helpless. Dean almost cried. There was a nurse in the room. "Ma'am, how is he?" Dean asked. "He's stabilized." She said before walking out of his room. "Sammy…Sammy can you hear me?" Sam opened his eyes and looked at Dean. "Dean, I'm so sorry." Sam said. "I need to know what happened Sam." Dean said. "Some guy was really drunk and he was slapping this girl and she wanted him to quit. So I walked over there and tried to get him to quit. He…he let go of her but then he started fighting with me and he slammed my head against a table and hit me over and over until I was unconscious."

"Dean, is that how I am with you…when I get drunk like that?" Sam asked. "No, Sammy, thank God it hasn't gotten that bad…yet. All you do is yell at me when I try to help you. Then I end up yelling back and we get in a big fight." Dean said. "I need to quit don't I?" Sam asked almost in tears. "Yes Sam, you really, really need to. Its hurting you and me….its even hurting mom and Jess." Sam put his head in his hands and cried. "Jess." Sam said still crying.

"When can you come home?" Dean said. "They'll come and tell us when I can." Sam said. Sam went to sleep and Dean sat there watching him sleep. Some one knocked on the door. "You can take him home now." The nurse said. Dean nodded his head and gathered Sam's things to get ready to go. He waited until Sam was awake. Dean looked at his little brother and said, "Hey kid, let's go home."


	3. Conflicts

CHAPTER 3

The next morning:

Sam was still a little sore from the fight. He remembered he had to take his medication. He made his way into the kitchen. "Medicine is in the cabinet." Dean said. Sam got them down from the cabinet. He thought he read take four pills so that's what he took. After about an hour those four pills started to take an effect on Sam. He stumbled around the house almost as if he were drunk. Dean noticed it. "Sam how many of those pills did you take?" Dean asked. "Um…I think four." Sam said. He felt as if he were flying. He liked this feeling he had. "Sam, you were only supposed to take two." Dean said sternly. "I thought I read take four." Said Sam. Dean got up and got the medicine bottle. "No, it says to only take two."

After Sam was calmed down Dean went to check in on him. Sam was lying on the bed asleep. Sam looked so innocent when he was asleep. Although everyone that knew him knew he wasn't. After a while Sam awoke. "Sam, you knew you were taking too many of the pills!" Dean screamed. "What? What are you talking about?" Sam asked. "You know what I'm talking about." He paced around the room furious at his little brother.

_He just got passed the drinking. How can he do this? _Dean thought to himself. Sam just sat there. He couldn't believe that his own brother thought that. "Dean, I didn't know. I swear to God. You think I would do that?" Sam said looking his brother straight in the eyes. "Yeah Sam, I do. You drank didn't you? I never thought you'd do thateither but you proved me wrong." Dean looked at his brother with anger in his eyes. "Dean… I think…" But Dean cut him off. "No, Sam you don't think. That's the problem!" Sam couldn't take it anymore. "Dean, I hate you!" Sam screamed. "You're always telling me what do and when to do it. You always jump to conclusions that aren't true." Dean looked at Sam. Dean felt something inside him break. "Sam you don't mean that." Dean calmly said. "Oh, yes I do." Sam said. He stood up, went over to where Dean was standing and looked him in the eyes.

Sam tightened his fist. He swung and hit Dean hard in the stomach. Dean screamed in pain. He fell to the ground. Sam jerked him up and hit him again. Dean by this point was crying in pain. Sam didn't care though. He was angry because his brother believed he would do such a thing as that. He picked him up off the ground and made him stand. "Sam why are you doing this?" Dean asked. "I've been waiting to do that for a long long time." Sam said.

Dean wanted to hit Sam back so bad. He couldn't though. It would only make them get in a bigger fight. He didn't have the strength. He got up and drove off.

Sam saw him go out the door. But he didn't care. By the time Dean got back Sam was fast asleep on the couch. He put a blanket over Sam. "Good night Sammy." He whispered. He was still hurt by what Sam had said earlier. Dean walked back into his room and went to sleep.

Sam woke up and thought about past events in his life. He could only remember things that had caused him pain. He went in the bathroom and found a razor. He sat down on the floor. He held out his arm. Sam put the razor to his arm. He began to cry.

He pressed it down hard enough to pierce his skin. When it did he dragged it across his arm. He flinched in pain. Blood surfaced and ran down his arm. Sam sat there a few more minutes before cleaning off his arm. He went back to bed.

The next day Sam covered his arm with a long sleeved shirt. "Sam…did you really mean that you hated me?" Dean asked with a shaky voice. He was afraid of the answer. Sam thought for a few moments. "No. I was just really mad that you thought I would purposely OD." Dean breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry Sam, I really am." Dean couldn't think of anything else to say.

Dean still didn't fully believe Sam was telling him the truth. Sam hadn't been the same for months. Dean guessed it was from the asylum. He didn't understand why Sam had to release his feelings in such destructive ways. He wished Sam would just talk to him. Dean walked into the bathroom and found blood on a towel. "Sam, why is there blood on this towel?" Dean asked worried. Sam froze. He thought of an excuse. "My nose was bleeding last night." Sam said. Dean wasn't so sure about that. But he didn't question Sam. He thought he'd just better watch him closely for a while.

Sam lay awake again that night. He missed Jess. He blamed himself for her death. _If I could've just somehow done something, she'd still be here with me, in my arms._ Sam thought. Sam raised up his shirtsleeve and looked at the cut he had made the night before. _This is the only thing I have any control over now. _He thought. He found the razor again and placed it on his arm. He dragged it across his arm again. Blood ran to the surface and ran down his arm and dripped onto the floor. Sam felt helpless. His life had been nothing but hell since his dad disappeared. _God why is this happening to me? _Sam thought as tears streamed down his face. He dragged it across his arm again. Tears fell harder from Sam's eyes.

_He's not the Sam I know. _Dean thought. _He used to be so happy. Ever since dad disappeared and mom and Jess died, the kid acts like he doesn't know where to go. _Dean wished there were some way to help Sam. Dean couldn't concentrate on anything else but Sammy.

Sam sat on the floor with his head in his hands. Blood still on his arm and on the floor. He hated the fact that he was doing this to himself…to Dean…to his mom and Jess. But he couldn't stop. When something terrible happened this is what he did. This was his way of letting out his pain. He got to his feet and cleaned up the blood. He was gonna have to be more careful if he didn't want Dean to find out. He used a washcloth to clean the blood. He rinsed out the blood with hot water and soap. Sam looked down at his arm. He pulled the sleeve down over the cuts. He knew this wasn't the right way to let his pain go. But it was the way he wanted to do it. He didn't know why but he just felt it was the way for him. _I can handle it. I can._ Thought Sam.

Dean watched Sam close over the next few days. He acted normal. Dean was kinda relieved to see that. He found no more blood on anything in the bathroom. No signs of Sam being depressed. But no one but Sam and God knew what was really going on. Sam wanted to talk to Dean about everything but he knew Dean would try to get him to go to a therapist or something like that. He wondered if he would ever be the same again.


	4. Resolutions

CHAPTER 4

I do not own Supernatural.

AN- Thanks for the reviews. Even the two flamers that I got. Oh well the rest of the reviews said it was good. But my message to the flamers is Kiss my foot. I do NOT write stories for reviews. I write because I like to. I get reviews because people think its good. In the first 2 chapters I didn't ask for reviews. And even if I was begging for 'em…why in the heck did you give me the satisfaction of getting one? So…UP YOURS! But to everyone who likes my story THANK YOU! And by the way this is the last chapter. I will be starting a new story soon though. I hope you liked this one. Tell me if you did. **COUGHS NOT BLACKMAILING**

Sam awoke in the middle of the night. He turned on his back and opened his eyes. "Sam." A voice said. "Jess!" Sam screamed. "Oh my God." Sam said. "I'll always love you. Goodbye Sam. "Jess vanished into nothingness and Sam lay there crying. Some one shook him. "Sammy wake up." Dean said. Sam opened his eyes, looked at Dean and buried his head in Dean's chest. "Its okay Sammy. I've got you. I've got you." Dean said. Sam just cried. Tears were falling from his eyes like rain. "Dean, I can't get her image out of my head." Sam said still crying. "She's haunting me." Dean ran his hand through his baby brothers hair. "It's my fault. Everything about her death is my fault." Sam it's not your fault." Dean said almost in tears.

"Sam, look at me." Dean said. Sam looked into his brother's eyes. "It wasn't your fault Sammy." "If it wasn't my fault then why do I feel so bad?" Sam said. "Because you loved her. You loved her so much." Dean said. "I still love her." Sam said with pain in his voice. Sam let go of Dean and settled back down in his bed. He could still hear her calling his name. He lay there until he heard Dean go back in his room. Sam walked over to the bathroom and picked up his razor. He lifted his arm and put the razor to his wrist.. He knew that if he cut again it would only get worse. He put his razor back on the counter and went back to sleep.

Sam jumped as he wakened from another of his nightmares about Jess. He was getting tired of them. He lay on the bed for a while until he heard Dean come in his room. "Sam, tell me why you think it's your fault that Jess died. Sam took a deep breath. "Because I had dreams about it for days. I never once even bothered to warn her. I saw her die in my dreams and in reality." Sam said. Dean stood there in shock. "Sammy, listen to me. It wasn't your fault. You didn't know those dreams would come true. And even if you did warn her, what would have been different? Something would have still happened."

"Yeah, Dean something would have happened… it would have been me instead. I wish it would have been." Sam said. "Sam… don't say that. Jess wouldn't have wanted it that way and neither would I." Dean said. "But I would give anything for it to be that way. To see Mom and Jess again. I want that more than anything else Dean." Sam got up and walked off.

Dean sat on Sam's bed. He wished Sam would quit blaming himself. _When will he realize it's not his fault? _Dean thought. Dean couldn't think of any way to help Sam. He tried talking to him. It didn't work. He thought about a therapist. _No he'd never go for that. I'd lose him for sure then. _Dean said to himself. He called his Dad. "_You've reached John Winchester…" _Dean hung up the phone. He'd left messages on his phone before. Even when there was something wrong with one of them he still wouldn't call back to help or any thing. Dean went into his room to think.

Sam was angry. Angry because he was hurting himself. Angry because he was pushing Dean away. Angry because he couldn't control it. He clenched his fists tight. He wanted to stop. He needed to stop. _This will be the last time._ Sam thought as he made his way to the bathroom. He picked up his razor. He cut his arm. But Sam didn't hear Dean coming toward him. Dean turned the corner and saw Sam's arm. He looked at Dean. "I need your help." Sam said. He dropped the razor and collapsed on the floor. Dean knelt down to his brother. He wrapped his arms around him trying to ensure him that everything would be okay.

"Dean, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Sam cried. "I know Sam." Dean was terrified. _If he doesn't stop he'll go too far with this. I can't lose him; he's all I have left. _By this point Dean was crying. "We'll get through it." Dean said. Sam was crying so hard. He didn't want Dean to let him go. "Please…please help me." Sam said between sobs. "I will. I promise." Dean said.

After a few minutes Sam calmed down. "How many times have you done this?" Dean asked. Sam cleaned the blood off his arm to reveal several cuts. Dean ran his hand up Sam's arm touching them. "Sam…why?" Dean asked. "I just…I thought about Jess's death and how I've hurt you over the years. I can't drink so I figured I'd do this." Sam said quietly. "Sam this is not the way to get rid of pain. You know that." Dean said. "I…I know. But it was all I could do. Or at least all I thought I could do." Sam looked Dean in the eyes, searching for forgiveness.

"Dean, do you hate me?" Sam asked. "Of course not. I'm just a little shaken up right now. I could never hate you." Dean replied. "But all the things I've done to you. Everything I've said. I don't see how you could forgive me for it." Sam said. "I can because you're my brother." Dean said. "Try and get some sleep Sam." Sam walked back to his bed.

Dean was lying on the couch watching TV. He got up to go check on Sam. He walked in his room. Sam wasn't in his bed. He walked over to the bathroom. He opened the door a little and saw Sam sitting on the floor with the razor on his arm. But there was something different about it this time. It was over his vein. "Sam!" Dean screamed. Sam jumped. "Put down the razor." Dean said. "Dean I can't live like this any more. All those dreams about Jess. Trying to find Dad when he doesn't wanna be found. I can't do it." Sam said. He took the razor off his arm. He stood up and tried to run out. But Dean grabbed him before he could get away. Sam's back was facing Dean. With one arm he held Sam. With the other he managed to pry the razor out of his hand.

He spun Sam around to face him. Tears streaming down his face. Sam was shaking. "Sam, listen to me. When we find out what killed mom and Jess those dreams will stop. And we will find Dad whether he wants us to or not because we are gonna help him find answers. Just promise me that you won't ever try this again. Do you think I don't need you? You are wrong if you do. Promise me." Sam sat there silent for a moment. He would feel better if he found Jess's killer. He wanted to see Dad again and he knew that Dean needed him. "I promise I won't try suicide again…but I can't promise that I won't cut. It's hard not to do once you get started."

"Well then I guess that means I'm going to have to keep an eye on you for a while." Dean said. "Thanks for caring about me this much Dean. It really means a lot to me." Sam said. "Dude what have I told you about the chick-flick moments?" Dean said with a smile. Sam laughed. "So…will I be ok?" He asked. "Yeah you'll be fine. Dean said.


End file.
